Want a Spouse? Pitch Your Qualities!

The idea of getting a spouse on a platter of gold is actually a mirage.  There are no great spouses on display on life’s shelves.  Young ladies who dream of being swept off their feet in an emotional roller coaster type of love without developing their own wifely qualities only build castles in the air.  When they eventually do get married to someone, as they settle into the life of matrimony, they discover a whole new world of responsibilities they were never prepared for and it ends badly or they end up suffering for life with someone who merely tolerates them because they do not have what it takes to be a real wife.

Most young men who live under the illusion that women are everywhere and that they are seeking any man who would simply say “hey” so they are made wives who ostensibly make them happy men all their lives are constantly disappointed.  These young men, not understanding what being a husband is, believe that they are meant to be served by the women who they marry as wives.  They consider marrying a lady a favour done to the female folk which should be reciprocated by slavish service.

Pitch your Qualities

Smarting from these unrealistic expectations from both sides, most marriages end up so broken that even if they continue to co-habit as husband and wife, all joy and desire for each other is drained and are overtaken by grief, pain and regrets.

What really should be the best bet in a bid to get a great husband or wife?  The primary thing is to define what you want and the kind of family life you want to live.  That will help you to identify your kind of man or woman.  Having done that, you must take an inward look at yourself and confirm if you have what it takes for such a man or woman to be called yours.  That is the essence of pitching your qualities to the man or woman you desire.

THE QUALITIES MEN WANT TO SEE

As a lady who desires the right man for her life, the basic qualities that you must pitch – on a general level – is to first of all be someone who has a handle on her own life. If you have identified your place in life and are heading somewhere with your hands busy about it, real men who have similar orientations are easily attracted to you.  Do you have a clear focus on a goal you are in hot pursuit of?  Do you have a force of vision that drives all that you do? Do you know that you are on earth for a specific purpose and are on that journey already?  No man who sees you and has a correct head on his shoulders will ignore you.

Don’t simply sit around waiting for a man to come over and shower you with “love” while you don’t lift your hands to make your life count.  If you find such a man, you would soon be a cast away after your body (which might be what you would have been paying attention to) has been ravished and devoured.  If you have nothing to offer as a lady besides a fine face, a coke-bottle shape of a body and a swaggy cat-walk, then you are not ready to attract a real spouse.

THE QUALITIES WOMEN DESIRE IN MEN

Not all women want to jump into the arms of just any man simply because they have a fat bank account, a well furnished house and the latest brand of car.  Great women are highly principled and have an idea of where they are going.  They will not entertain any man who would just want to have them as a toy in addition to their so-called “accomplishments”.  There are men who want to marry certain classes of women just to boast their egos or enhance their status.  Others marry beautiful and intelligent women for the purpose of “branding”.  This is completely outside the reason why marriage was created.

Purpose driven women want to be with a man who first and foremost care a lot about them.  This is beyond the care of getting them gifts and buying them whatever they desire – as important as that is.  This care is all-encompassing – they want a man who wants them to be the best that they can be in life and in whatever vocation they are engaged in.  Great women seek great men who are heading somewhere for whom they can provide help and assistance to.  They want men who can lead them on the path of excellence, growth and values.  They want a man who is so secure he can allow them to break glass ceilings in their profession, business and whatever endeavours they are passionate about.

If you are a man who has no handle on what life is and what you can do with yours, seeking a woman should be the last thing on your mind; especially a woman who is purpose driven and is heading to a specific direction.  You will get frustrated with her drive and end up frustrating her from pursuing her dreams for fear of being “over-shadowed” because you have no idea about what you should do with your own life.

CONCLUSION

Before you make a move on trying to get someone to marry you, ensure that you have your game packed with a sound pitch which should make every man or woman you desire gravitate towards you without hesitation.  Happy Hunting!

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Marrying Aright – Don’t Trade Your Desires

People have challenges in marriages in most cases because they traded their desires just to have a spouse.  It is possible your biological clock is ticking fast and you don’t want to wait anymore, therefore, what you considered your big deals in the man or woman you want, you begin to put an “x” on them just to enable you say YES or go after anyone who happens to catch your “fancy”.  That is a dead-end game and you should not play it.

Busty and beautiful

Everyone of us has got what we desire in the wife or husband of our dreams.  If you have not figured that out, this post should be a stimulant for doing so.  What do you want in a man or woman?  In your inner heart’s recesses, what are the critical physical criteria, intellectual capacity or social class you want your wife or husband to possess or belong to?  When you get that truly figured out, and you know that you are not getting over yourself seeing that you are seeking what you can match with your own life, then your search can be more defined.  In this case, you can easily say YES or NO when someone comes along.

THE DANGER OF TRADING YOUR DESIRES

When you give up your desires for any reason(s) besides a divine instruction, there is a likelihood that you will adulterate your marriage by seeking that which you gave up in someone else outside the union later.  For instance, if your fantasy about a wife is someone who is tall and busty, and you eventually settle for an average height person and who is not busty, when you meet such persons later in your married life, they will become objects of temptation for you.  If as a lady, you have always desired a tall, handsome and fair complexioned guy who wears a constant beard on his face, then for one reason or the other, you settle for a short, dark and plain faced guy, it is very likely that your first fantasy will always be staring you in the face as a temptation when you meet such a person.

Don’t be scared to follow your desires; they will come to pass if you can wait for them.  The challenge with today’s generation of youths is that we don’t know how to wait for what we want.  It is true that most ladies want to marry someone who will take care of them, but while they must ensure to develop skills so they too can bring something to the table, if their initial desire is to marry a guy who is fairly comfortable and is not struggling with the payment of his bills, societal pressures and aging can make such ladies settle for some guy who may not even have a means of livelihood!  When you do that, you shoot yourself in the foot and may end up taking care of that guy for the rest of the marriage.

KEEP YOUR DESIRES REASONABLE

While your desires are important, you must ensure that they are not unrealistic.  Don’t desire anything based on Hollywood and Nollywood standards; they are make-believe and merely show-business.  Your desires about who you want in your spouse must be realistic and not far-fetched.  It is also totally not impossible that you might have to trade a few desires which might not be completely central to the success of a marriage; but for all its worth, don’t trade your big deals.  If you do, you will pay for it later.

Marrying Aright… The Man’s Hunting Spree

I am sure you have heard it said several times in relationship parlance that the man is a hunter and the lady is the prey to be hunted.  This is true in a sense because in most cultures and even from biblical inclinations, the man is the one who seeks out a wife.  “Whoso findeth a wife…” is what you find in Proverbs 18:22.  In that sense, the man is the one who goes seeking who to marry.  I am addressing the dynamics of the man finding a wife in this post.

Man Hunting a woman

When a man gets to a season in his life that requires that he marries, it is incumbent on him to take the initiative and begin to seek out one.  In religious circles, we are told to seek God’s face first.  That is understandable from the view point of the fact that man, using his normal senses and with no benefits of foreseeing the future or knowing the deeper thoughts of another person, that is the woman, he would need divine guidance.  However, if the man is in union with God in his faith, that should not be much of a problem as the guiding light for the spiritual man is the Spirit of God in Him.  He has also the benefits of the principles of the scriptures to guide him in making a decision about who to seek.  That makes the initial search road-map a bit easier because the scriptures clearly states, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers…” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

The first hunting guideline for the man in seeking a wife is faith consideration.  Do not marry someone whose faith orientation is different from yours.  As you befriend a lady and seek to know if she can be your wife, besides her being of the same “religion” with you, you have to be on the same page on doctrinal issues.  For Christians, if you are a Baptist and your potential spouse is a Methodist, you need to seat down to agree on which doctrinal basis your home will be built upon.  You would not want your kids to be confused with doctrinal matters.  If she is not a committed believer and you are, it is a NO!  If a lady does not have the fear of God, she cannot be a faithful and helpful wife.

The second check-list the man who is hunting a prey in seeking a wife should tick good is that of compatibility in aspirations.  Where are you headed as a man and what is the career or vocational aspiration of the woman?  Will her career aspiration complement yours or will you be a hindrance to the height she wants to attain?  While you think about yours, it is important you consider her desires as well.  If she is not going to be made better by marrying you, why do you want to quench her fire?  If you do not have what it takes to be her guide, encourager and support, you should let her be. 

The third in the list for the man is the lady’s physical features.  Most times, we tend not to think about the physical attraction of the woman we seek.  Every man has what he fancies in the woman of his dreams.  There is a fantasy we carry in our heads about the physical endowments we want from the woman.  Do not knock that off on the basis of seeking for only inner beauty.  Most times, what draws a man towards a lady first is the physical attraction; and when that happens which is normal, he can then apply the test of faith and  the compatibility of career aspirations.  If you don’t like the lady enough for her to sexually arouse you, do not marry her.  If you do, when you see someone who meets your fantasies, you may likely become an adulterer.

BE WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR WOULD-BE WIFE

If you are not God-fearing and you seek a God-fearing wife, you are being hypocritical.  If your desire is to find someone you can use to advance your life only, you are selfish.  As you seek an attractive lady who is beautiful with the right curves in the right places, you must seek to be a cute guy who takes care of his body and looks good as well.

I will address the lady who is waiting to be swept off her feet in my next post.  Keep your comments coming.

Marrying Aright… What to do

I want to talk straight from my heart as I am inspired to.  This subject matter has been on my heart for a while now and I want to share these thoughts so we can have some talking points.  I believe that at the end of the series of these seven articles, we would have taken some steps forward in the quest to have the right attitude towards the institution of marriage and be able to do the right thing especially for those who are not yet married.  If you are already married, this will help you re-position yourself so you can be the right partner for your spouse.  I do not claim to be a perfect authority on this subject, but I have lived long enough and experienced a few things to be a voice of reason on the subject.

Marry Aright

WHY DO YOU WANT TO MARRY?

I deem it necessary to start by asking this question.  Why do you want to marry?  Rather than ask a generic question of, “Why do people marry?”, I believe personalizing it will help everyone to address it from the individual standpoint.  People marry for many reasons and frankly most of those reasons are wrong!  You cannot marry for the wrong reasons and get the right results.  If you are unable to distinctly answer this seemingly very simple question, then you must not take any step towards marriage.

Before God brought the subject of marriage to the life of Adam, he first of all set him up as an established person.  Even before Adam was created, everything he needed to live the kind of life God wanted him to live were all in place.  The world was created; the Garden of Eden was set and the world stage for which he was to provide leadership was already in play.  Adam was created last because before him, everything he needed to be the best he can be were being put in place.

When Adam became a living being, God brought the other created beings (animals) to him so he can name them. Adam had a job to do; he was meant to “dress and keep” the Garden of Eden. He wasn’t lazying around; he had a purpose carved out for him and he went about doing it. It was only when God was done establishing Adam that He said, “it is not good for a man to be alone”, and then Eve was created from the “established” Adam.

It is easy to misunderstand this analogy to mean that until a man is established and “made” in terms of his material and financial spheres, he cannot marry.  That is far from it.  A marriage is needed when a man has an established purpose, which he has gone about working on, then he needs a partner who should help him in going about that objective.  Therein lies the purpose and reason for marriage – help in advancing the cause of your life.

The ladies would like to know how this applies to them.  Eve came out of Adam in the beginning.  Today, a wife does not come out of the man but from her own family. Therefore, the lady is only ready for marriage when she has come of age in terms of having what it takes to help a man in accomplishing an identified vision in his life.  Women are helpers.  As there are variety of visions and purposes crafted in every man, God has also put variety of help capacities in every woman to meet the needs of the man they should marry.  No lady should attempt to marry until they have identified their specific areas of help and begin to go about establishing themselves in that cause.  Most times, men who seek the kind of help that the ladies have get to meet them (ladies) in their lines of duties and the “ahaa!” moment happens and the guy knows in his heart, “the kind of help I need is in this lady“.  That point of attraction of purpose is more than physical and emotional attraction which does not last long.

ENGAGE PREPARATION MODE

To marry aright therefore, the first step is for both the male and female single persons to engage a preparation mode.  This mode entails that they must understand what the marriage institution is, by getting education in that respect.  They must also know when it is they are ready and what responsibilities lies ahead in the marriage world.  In the next couple of posts, I will address these critical preparation activities so that the drive for marrying aright can be activated with a view of getting the best results.

Is Marriage Over-Rated?

Marriage is truly over-rated.  The reason is not far-fetched.  We as a people (especially in the southern part of the world – with particular reference to sub-Saharan Africa) with a critically family-centered lifestyle which is in tandem with our cultural orientation have this tendency to place so much burden on marriage that it is eventually over-rated. I want to share a few thoughts here that should help us have an objective perspective of the role marriage should play on our lives as human beings both from the social and religious angles.

happy african american couple

WHO ARE YOU BEFORE MARRIAGE?

Marriage only exists where the persons who get married are in existence.  This existence does not imply animate living on the surface basis but when these persons have reached a place of personal wholeness as individuals.  Individual male and female folks should not attempt marriage until they have a clear idea of who they are and where they are headed in life.  If you do not have a critical handle on your reason for being alive, marriage will not help you discover it – it will confuse you further.  Believe this or not; it is this realization later in marriage that creates very difficult conflicts that seem very “unsolvable”.   

Before stepping out to marry, please ensure you are set as a person.  This involves maturity that cuts across vision and mission orientation, emotional balance, financial intelligence/foundation and an eye on what you will be doing the rest of your life.

MARRIAGE AS A LAUNCHING PAD & PLATFORM FOR SUSTAINABLE GROWTH

Let us look at the aviation industry and use it as an example to mirror our discussion here.  Imagine you are an airplane.  Your reason for being a plane is to fly.  But if the plane is not properly configured, flying would be a suicide mission.  Can you imagine someone trying to fly a plane that is half way manufactured?  A plane is only ready to fly when it has passed through all the tests that qualifies it for a normal flight.  Marriage is therefore like the airport, run-way and aerodrome.  Marriage provides the launching pad for the plane.  Don’t take a half-manufactured plane to the run-way, it won’t fly for long!  Don’t rush to marry when you are not ready for a flight in the marriage game!

DON’T BUILD YOUR LIFE AROUND MARRIAGE

Build your life around a vision.  The purpose for which you are alive is not to marry.  Don’t get life twisted.  The reason why you are alive is different – its to add value to this earth.  Marriage is a complimentary factor.  It is a tool for empowerment for the journey you are to undertake.  It is a vehicle for the trip.  Don’t ignore the destination and settle for the vehicle.  That is the reason why many destinies are destroyed.  They have their focus on the wrong thing.

When you marry aright by choosing who will help you fulfill your purpose, your journey will be smoother.  If you marry the wrong person who distracts your attention from your purpose, you will have a bumpy journey and may never get to your destination.

A WORD FOR THE YOUTHS

In my many meetings with young people as I go about my business of training, life-coaching and teaching on capacity building, relationships and business development, I am always shocked when I ask questions relating to their future and they answer.  One NYSC corp member was particularly blunt.  I asked “what will you be doing after your service year?”  She answered, “I will just a job and then settle down in marriage”.  On the surface, that sounds nice and noble but a closer look reveals immediately that this person has weaved her life around marriage, no more, no less.

The world has so much need waiting to be filled.  We are in huge need of people who are purpose-driven.  Oh, that men and women would realize and come to terms with why they are on earth and then set out to fulfill it.  In doing that, you will meet your marriage partner, who should naturally be someone who would be on the same page with you to fulfill that purpose that Divinity has put in your heart.

Many lives are lying waste today because they rush into marriage so they can follow a tradition that has been so age-long it has lost its meaning.  Marriage is the greatest relationship anyone can have on the face of the earth if it is entered into with the right mind-set.

Feelings, Passion & Sex Over-rated

Almost 80% of people are attracted to their relationship and marriage partners by the way they looked physically at the point of meeting.  It is true this is a natural inclination but to go on to make a permanent life time decision on the basis of mere physical attraction can be devaststing and catastrophic; yet on a consistent basis,  that is how people ended up in marriage with the resultant trail of pains and regrets.

Physical attraction,  passion,eelings and the capacity to be driven for sex are all valid but unreliable agencies in trying to make a decision to be with someone.  We have to look deeper than the physical.

f

FEELINGS ARE NOT PERMANENT

Feelings have its place in every relationship but it must be positioned always on top of basic realities.  If your feelings about the person is good,  it does not make the person the right candidate for a relationship especially if that person has a flawed character which he or she is unwilling to identify and confront.  Your feelings may be body inspired while the character trait is a totally different orientation.

For instance,  someone who has a flawed and undisciplined sexuality can look dashing or very beautiful with all the body contours and shapes in their proper place.  What the flawed character will damage in your lives together cannot be remedied by a fine body which naturally makes you feel good.  Great feelings mostly disappears when reality stares you in the face.

PASSION IS FLEETING 

Whenever a woman or man is in the heat of passion especially that of sex,  they lose rationale sense of reasoning.  When you want sex most of the time,  the drive and craving for it overtakes your sense of natural judgement.  That is why sex outside of marriage should be discouraged by all means.  You might not have made a decision to marry the person yet, so if you have sex with the person in the heat of passion and define it as love,  what happens when your decision eventually isn’t to marry?  Are you going to rationalise that you no longer love that guy or lady?  Therefore,  sex premised on a commitment of marriage which is already contracted is more fulfilling. You loss nothing but gain everything.

SEX IS OVER-HYPED

Hollywood,  Bollywood, Nollywood and all the “woods” have promoted sex to heights that does not line up with material reality.  If sex was all that much as promoted in the abstract world,  married people who enjoy fantastic sex wouldn’t be divorcing themselves; relationships that were sexually active wouldn’t be breaking up!  Sex ain’t all that as it is hyped. This is not to say that sex isn’t beautiful; as a matter of fact,  it should be an icing on the cake for an already established and built relationship.

When sex becomes the basis of any relationship and marriage,  you can be sure that it’s crash will be mighty because it is a wrong foundation for what will last.

WHAT’S MOST IMPORTANT

The most important aspect of building a strong, virile and long lasting relationship and marriage is to ensure that the two persons form a realistic and purpose driven friendship that focuses on the values and character of the two persons.  Develop a relationship that ensures mutual respect for one another;  creates an eye-opening space for continued growth and form friendship that defies feelings,  passion and sex.

In marriage,  there comes a time in the process of aging that the sexual drive and passion you shared in your 20s to your 50s wanes considerably.  If your lives together were built on that,  can you imagine how far apart you two will grow?

Be sure to lay a solid foundation!

Before You Touch or Feel the Body…

One of the things that drive people towards romantic relationship is the prospect of having to satisfy the biological need for sex.  It is common knowledge in contemporary times that people simply become friends with the opposite sex just for the purpose of sexual intercourse.  For others, they do not want to have any kind of committed relationship except for the benefits of that sexual intimacy.  These cases are the extreme ones which this post will deal with as we proceed.

There are people on the flip side of the divide who genuinely want a relationship which should end up in a life-long commitment in marriage but in the process of dating and courting end up in bed and continue to have sexual intercourse throughout the period until they either part ways or get married.  It is either they are ignorant of the damage pre-marital sex cause for them in the relationship and later in marriage (if they eventually get to that point) or they simply feel it is the normal thing to do.  Of course, there are people who feel that it is not possible for a man and a woman to date and be in a relationship, even if they have marriage in view, to abstain from sex.

marriage sex

Let us explore some reasons why for whatever reasons, sex outside of marriage is like seating on a keg of gun-powder.

Sexual Pleasure Is Transient

The original purpose for sex is for procreation, pleasure and companionship in the confines of marriage ONLY.  Any sexual activity engaged upon outside of a matrimonial setting will never end well for the two persons engaged in it.  When you engage in sex inside a marriage setting, you do so because you are committed to each other and you cannot feel like you are being used or you are using someone else.  Sex outside of marriage is a selfish activity that puts one of the parties, especially the woman at a huge disadvantage.  That makes the pleasure part of the purpose of sex outside marriage transient (temporal and very unfulfilling) and guilt-stricken.

The man who has sex with a lady outside of marriage losses regard and respect for the woman; as a matter of fact, it is disrespect for her body that makes him believe that she is a sex object meant to fulfill his animalistic drive.  It is a misnomer and must be discouraged by all means.

Illicit Sex Prevents Mind Exploration

When two persons who are dating or courting with marriage in view or not begin to engage in sexual activity, it distracts them from the main purpose of the courting period.  Their attention will constantly be on exploring their bodies rather than engaging in mind exploration.  If the bodies are explored and the mind left unattended to, after a while, the body begins to crave for a different kind of adventure to explore!

The only person you should be engaged in sexual activity with should be someone who shares the same values with you; someone you know and understand is committed to you and someone with whom you have agreed to share a life-time with in the platform of marriage.  That makes the header to this post relevant and critical: before you touch or feel the body, feel and touch the mind or heart!  You cannot touch and feel the body and effectively and sufficiently feel and touch the mind with the right results!

Conclusion

Men are hunters and they enjoy the game; they seek to conquer in a game and move to the next.  Until they are settled in the place of marriage, do not expect 100% commitment to you especially if they have explored your body.  Sex has never been a reason why most men marry their wives; they marry the woman of their dreams because they see in her beyond the contours of her body and the feel of her skin.  Sex is at best skin deep, but true love is deeper into the heart and soul.

African couple kissing in bed

Women on the other hand are configured to believe that the offering of their bodies is the totality of how they love you.  If you violate that offering, you hurt them badly and they feel devalued in the process.  Therefore, the best way to have great sex in life is to forget about the body and feel the pulse of the heart and mind first during your dating and courting period; make a decision to marry on that basis and in marriage explore and enjoy your bodies in eternal and marital bliss.

May God give you the wisdom to do the right thing at all times.