Why Do People Marry?

For over a week now, this thought has been brooding over my mind, seeking for the right answers.  I have not been able to find a fitting answer for myself because the world over, people marry for different reasons.  There is no one-size-fits-all reason why people get married; they vary from race to race, culture to culture and from one geographical area to the other.

The reason why people marry in Asia is different from why we marry in Africa.  The North Americans and the Europeans may have a common culture we refer to as the “Western” way of life, but again, they do not all marry for the same reasons.  Even within the same cultural bloc, people group, ethnic nationalities and individuals, they still marry for different reasons.  Does this then defeat the purpose of the caption which heads this piece?  Not at all… The question, “Why Do People Marry?” will cause us to seek for deeper answers to the real reasons PEOPLE SHOULD MARRY.

maxresdefault

As an individual, I have seen terrible stuff happen in marriages; I have also seen some of the best levels of joy and happiness in marriages.  Your experiencing good or evil is all dependent on the WHY you got married.

The Dangers Marriage Brings

Marriage has marred a lot of destinies.  I have seen men and women who were heading somewhere so great and the moment they got married, those bright and clear destinies fizzled out into thin air.  They lost their drive, passion, motivation and courage to pursue anything.  As they got married, they stopped in their tracks and got into another journey totally different and 180 degrees away from where they were headed.

Their bright destinies, which could have been a serious blessing to humanity and glory to God simply disappeared and they became as ordinary as people who had no idea of where they were going in the place or those who weren’t even going anywhere!  That is what happens when people marry for the wrong reasons; when they get trapped with the wrong partners.

Many people are dead today because they married.  They physically and clinically died!  A week ago in the city where I live, a couple died in an inferno which was lit by the woman of the house.  The marriage was less than a year old; the lady was angry with the husband for “whatever reason” and she set the apartment ablaze with both of them right inside.  They didn’t just die as a couple; she was pregnant with a child!  Both of them died because they married each other!  Stories had it that the man didn’t voluntarily marry the young woman; his mother forced the lady on him.  Well, he was “forced” to death in marriage.

Physical abuse, verbal assault and emotional turmoil have been brought to bear on ladies and guys who are married in the past; some are going through it right now and more will yet experience these in the future – if they continue to go the wrong way marrying for the wrong reasons.

The Joy and Pleasure of Marriage

Directly opposite the thoughts I have shared above, marriage can also be the greatest place or platform for joy ever.  It can reshape your destiny for good, cause you to find your right feet, voice and swagger, and elongate your life expectancy beyond what is physically and biologically possible.  Many people have been raised from poverty to notoriety because of who they married; others have gone on to become world thought leaders, exceptional human beings and deciders of many other great destinies because of the reasons they choose to marry.

Marrying for the right reasons and to the right person is the sure way of making life most interesting.

MAKING THE RIGHT MOVE IN MARRIAGE

The questions on the minds of a lot of people right now is “how do we do the right thing to avoid the obvious pitfalls?”  Great question!  You can never do the right thing if you KNOW the wrong things only.  The best way to stop going in the wrong direction is to know that the path you are threading is wrong.  That is the first point of departure.  If someone is wounded and is bleeding, you don’t start administering drugs until you stop the bleeding.  If the bleeding continues, he may be drained of blood and die.

This will be a series of blog posts on this subject matter.  Keep a date with me in the next couple of days and weeks as we carry on a surgery on the reason why people marry, the reason they should marry and what we must begin to do to reverse the negative trend in our communities, nations and the world.  There is a huge need to stop the bleeding occasioned by bad decisions in relationships and marriage.  The world will be a better place if we can get our relationship and marriage lives on the right track.

 

 

Making Your Home A Fortress You Can Resort To Daily

The world is becoming more and more difficult to live in with all sorts of challenges, stress and issues; people everywhere are looking for what will soothe their frayed nerves daily and they resort to all kinds of things that tend to numb their normal senses such as alcohol, drugs and in extreme cases illicit sex of dangerous proportions which further leaves in their wakes consequences that breeds ceaseless regrets later.

Family sitting in living room smiling

The many challenges we face in economic matters especially in poor under-developed countries are not helping matters.  People leave their homes in the morning into a world of their businesses, careers and jobs in a bid to better their private economic fortunes and come back home all stressed out.

The home therefore is a place where we should retire to daily to refuel, re-fire and refresh for the next day.  It is the ideal place for recreation; a place where you meet true friends who are not putting you under pressure to perform like you do in your business, offices and jobs.  The home should be a place of affirmation and encouragement; a fortress in a world inundated with troubles and an oasis of love unfeigned without conditions and without condemnations.

But that is not what it is for millions of people; their homes are war-zones with walls everywhere.  Most homes are on fire and after facing the world with all its challenges on daily basis, most people are afraid of going back home.  The natural inclination of everyone is to go to a place of affirmation and not a place where they are tolerated or harassed.  When your home is a place of turmoil, you will naturally seek alternate places of refuge instead of going there.  Therefore, men especially end up in bars and “beer parlors” (as its popularly referred to in Nigeria); they sometimes hang out with women of easy virtues to give them the false impression of being loved – even though they have to pay these women to provide these temporal “services”.  At the end of the times most evenings, knowing that the “rabble-rousers” in their homes have gone to bed, they sneak into their own homes to simply pass the night and not to sleep.

People who live their lives like this cannot be productive in their endeavours during the day outside of their homes.  They come out of their houses, not excited but deflated and flat; these mindsets aren’t the best place for productive and creative ideas to fester.  It does not matter if they are male or female, the results are the same.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR HOME A FORTRESS

How may you make your home a refuge or a fortress of peace?  Its simple:

  1. Marry Aright:  If you are still single, the above scenarios painted of a home devoid of peace should naturally scare you; it should not scare you away from marriage, but to avoid falling into the trap of marrying for the wrong reasons.  If you marry on the basis of the right principles for why marriages should be, you will most likely have a home you will be excited to run to every day after work.  This post may not be able to highlight all the basic foundation issues that should help you make the right choices in marriage, but you can draw from the resources we have on this blog-spot and equip yourself sufficiently.
  2. Work on Your Union:  No marriage relationship that is blissful today was delivered in packaged format on the wedding day.  It is the handiwork of years or periods of work by the two persons who are married.  This work entails seeking to understand each other; know what makes your partner tick, what drives them and adapt to it.  This should happen between the two persons on a daily basis and after a while, they become inseparable and intertwined such that they cannot do without each other.
  3. Make Your Spouse Your Friend:  There is a saying that friends are forever.  If you weren’t friends with your spouse before marriage, you can develop a friendly relationship in addition to your marriage union now.  Find those areas of common grounds and develop affinity towards each other deliberately, intentionally and on purpose.  Think of how excited you are about who you call your “besties” and how often you want to be in their company; if your spouse is like that to you and you to him or her, your home will be a harbinger of love and excitement everyday to which you will be happy to resort to.

BE AN ENVOY OF LOVE

Don’t add to the number of stress we are having on the earth already; be a stress reliever by creating a home environment where you and your spouse, children and friends can easily find comfort, refreshment, refuge, resort and joy.  Life is too short to live in misery all day long; let your home be the place of resort at the end of every day and your business, job and work will experience a turn-around 180 degrees!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Sex Is Cheap Today

In the days when men were sane to a certain degree, you could actually find a man of 20 to 25 and he is still a virgin; the reason is simple – he is not yet married.  The idea was that until you are married you cannot have sex and it was a belief and a lifestyle that was considered noble.  Besides religious inclination, it was considered the right thing to do.

It was an anathema in those days for a man to marry someone who had already been de-flowered.  It was an insult on the family name and a terribly taboo in so many cultures especially in Africa.  It was a thing of great pride for a family to present their daughters in her original state of virginity to her husband.

why-sex-is-cheap

What happened to those great days of huge respect for sex?  What went wrong with our society, culture and adherence to the dictates of our faith?  Here are some of the reasons…

  1. The Culture of Right Values Failing:  Over the years, especially with the influence of western culture (not Christian religious influence), we began to abandon the age-long culture of right values in our societies.  People began to focus more on making money over living right and wrong attitudes to life began to spring forth.  When society started turning blind eyes to some promiscuous persons in their midst and started giving them sugar-coated names, more and more of such wrong values began to fester.  For instance, a lady who has a baby out of wedlock is called “baby-mama” whilst in the past, she is looked at as a societal misfit.  A guy who has a child with a lady out of wedlock is now regarded as “a bob” and no longer with any reprimanding nomenclature.  Over time, these phenomena became a new normal and today if two persons simply have consent to sleep with each other, they go to bed without giving a care as to what the consequences are.
  2. Disregard for Family Values:  Family values use to be given a huge place in our society.  Marriage use to be respected and venerated; it is no longer so in today’s society.  Parents no longer know what real parenting is?  Discipline of our children is now termed “child-abuse” and they (the children) are now allowed to live as they please especially with the idea of allowing the person to choose his own lifestyle (without guidance) at the magical age of 18.  Without parental and family guidance on critical values, and with no real examples of how to live as proper human beings, children grow up picking up things like sex from the streets and making it look so cheap to the extent that it is now like buying a bottle of soft drink at any shop when you are thirsty.
  3. Disregard for God:  When any people put God’s values in the background, their lives will hit the ground and below.  God’s injunction and instruction is clear: sex outside of marriage or your own marriage is FORNICATION and ADULTERY.  Anyone who insists on these values today is considered “old-skool”.  Sex is now so common amongst unmarried persons and even the married people (engaging in it outside their matrimonial homes) that if someone abstains from it, he or she is considered not “modern”.
  4. The negative influence of Mainstream and Social Media:  Mainstream media and recently social media have had a huge influence on the morality of people especially as it relates to the way sex have become very cheap today.  Most media outfits are more profit oriented than values inclined; because sex sells, they allow all kinds of obscene stuff to be aired on their stations and this has a way in promoting wrong lifestyle in no small measure.  In the advent of social media, it became a free-for-all platform for all kinds of absurdity
  5. The High Cost of Getting Married: It used to be easy to get married; today, marriage with all the wedding stuff is way out of the reach of many average young persons.  In Africa, where the concept of high bride price is a norm, couples also go on to subject themselves to what is now terms “white wedding” with lavish receptions costing as much as $10,000 to $50,000 in some cases!  This has scared a lot of young persons and as they get to a certain age, they loss control of their sexual controls and they simply sleep around with whoever wants to sleep with them.

HOW TO REMEDY THE SITUATION

We cannot alter and reverse the culture overnight; we can as individuals imbibe the right lifestyle and deviate from the way which is leading to Armageddon.  We cannot control the contents in mainstream and social media but we can choose what we allow into our homes and lives by the use of remote controls.  We may not be able to cause to reduction the high bride price in most African cultures, but couples can decide to incorporate what is called “traditional marriage” which is the bride price paying ceremony with the “white wedding” by inviting a priest, pastor or a minister to officiate and pray for them during the traditional marriage.

We can make family life attractive once more by insisting that our own children learn the right values.  With all the monies we pursue by driving ourselves crazy in search of blossoming careers, they will all amount to vanity if we cannot breed the right children for a better tomorrow.  The onus lies on us today to deliver a better life with the right values to the next generation.  We cannot fail our children.

 

Don’t Marry With Any Doubt In Your Mind

Its a New Year and a lot of people are already buzzing with excitement because they will be getting married this year. Are you one of such people? Then you need to pay close attention to this blog-post. If you are not planning to get married this year, at least you can take advantage of this information and get ready to do it the right way.

The three key pillars that makes a marriage successful are: TRUST, SINCERITY & CONVICTION. Before you ask me why LOVE is not in the mix at this point, I will tell you upfront that real love does not come before these three are established. These are the three cardinal areas you must establish KNOWLEDGE without DOUBT in your would-be spouse before you take a dive.
godwin-ogwuche
Godwin OgwucheRelationship Coach

TRUST

Do you trust that lady or guy? Trust is beyond what a man or woman tells you about himself or herself. It is about the character make-up of that individual; how he speaks and what actions follow his words. Trust is rooted after a long period of inter-change between two persons, engagement on issues and in tough and good times. When a person’s attitude to life, to others and to you remains stable in his dealings across the board; when he or she maintains a level head in these situations (not necessarily without mistakes – but that even in mistakes, he owns up to his or her inadequacies and desires to learn), then you know that person is trustworthy. While you are looking for these qualities in that man or woman, ensure that you are getting yourself ready or that its your personal aspiration for yourself! Don’t expect from someone what you cannot offer.

SINCERITY

When someone is sincere, it is a quality that that person can be trusted. A lot of people today are not sincere and it is because they have a lot of things to hide. If you are planning to marry someone, you must learn to be “naked and not ashamed” before that person. If you had issues with letting your partner into your very personal issues, please don’t marry! If someone isn’t forthcoming about their lives and they do not want to discuss their issues with you who will eventually become their partner for life, what are you doing in their lives? If you have a kid outside of wedlock, tell it! If you have had issues with a past relationship which still hunts you, share it! If you were once married and now divorced, declare it! Be yourself, be upfront and practical. Don’t fake who you are not because you would not want the person to marry the fake version of yourself. If you have doubts about the sincerity of someone, don’t go into a life time union of marriage.

CONVICTION

This is about being very SURE that you want to be part of the person’s life or you are sure you want them in your own life. Don’t do it because a friend said the person is good; don’t do it because society want to see you married; don’t do it on account of pleasing anyone. Do it because you WANT TO DO IT! Be sure the person is all that you want in your life based on your defined and clear purpose for life. If you are not convinced or sure and you go into it, you will regret the decision some years down the line. Conviction comes from knowing that what you are getting into is the right thing for you. How do you know what is right if you have no knowledge of it a fore-time? Get a clear idea of what you want out of your marriage and when you see it, you will KNOW it is and then that helps your conviction towards decision-making.

When you put all the above factors together, then true LOVE comes into being. People who ignore all the above and claim they are in LOVE are in delusion. Don’t confuse love with lust or infatuation. Many people simply get emotional and excited and they say they are in love. Emotions and excitement has a life-span; but when you are truly in love coming from trust, sincerity and conviction, it will last for a long time. DON’T GET INTO A MARRIAGE IF THERE EXISTS DOUBTS IN ANY OF THE ABOVE THREE PILLARS.

Have yourself a pleasant year!

Marriage Isn’t All About You

The subject of marriage is so huge that the desire to keep exploring all the angles that make it successful seems to be inexhaustible.  As we learn everyday about this very important institution, it is imperative that we apply the truth we learn so that humanity can be a better place to live as a result of marriage.

Today, I want to share some reasons why getting married shouldn’t be all about you.  As a matter of fact, if you do not have the mindset of giving your all to someone else, you should never contemplate marriage.  It is the grounds by which God tests our faithfulness in the area of selflessness.  If you want to know how faithful a man is, check how he treats his wife.  If you want to know a truly selfless woman, let her home life be laid bare in truth and in sincerity; you will be sure or not about that virtue in that person.

happy african american couple

Marriage was instituted for the purpose of GIVING of oneself to the other.  When God brought Eve to Adam, His purpose was for her to be a HELP meet for him (Adam).  Her purpose was pre-set.  On the other hand, when Adam sighted Eve, he proclaimed his purpose for her – to love her as he loves himself.  That is why he exclaimed, “you are woman, the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh”.  No sane person does anything against himself (his bone and flesh) but good at all times.

As a man, you should work towards GIVING of your wife love, care, protection, guidance, attention and provision.  You don’t do this when it is CONVENIENT but as a matter of PRIORITY.  You go out of your way to ensure that she is properly taken care of.  All other things simply takes a PAUSE mode (except your relationship with God) when she has to be attended to.  How many men understand this as their role in a marriage setting?  Is it not normal today and even from traditional days especially in ancient and contemporary Africa that the men are the “lords of the home” to be waited upon, hand and foot?  In many parts of Africa, their women are those who go to the farms while the men lazy about the town, clothed in wrappers, seating around village squares, drinking alcohol and making jest of their own very lives.  Unfortunately, many young men today have towed this line of living even as city dwellers; they go from one lady to the other seeking who is more “loaded” in substance either by the lady’s sheer hard-work which has made her climb the corporate ladder or those who have inherited their parent’s wealth and living off it.  If you are a man, and on purpose, you seek this type of lady, not because your values align or that you are led of God, you are no better than a thief and a daylight robber!

As a lady, you should prepare yourself to be the best help you can be to the man who would be your husband or who is right now.  God prepared Eve to be a help that meets the needs of Adam.  What help are you bringing to the life of that man?  Are you a helper in his profession, vocation and life’s purpose?  Do you understand his purpose in this life?  Are you doing everything possible to be his resource bank?  Being a help meet for the man is beyond domestic chores of house-keeping, food, sex and rearing of children.  If that was God’s intent for Eve, it would not have been difficult for God to outline them as clearly as above; but being a help-meet is beyond these, as important as they may be.

As you seek a partner, you must learn to develop the rhythm of a wife-HELPER or the stamina of a man-LOVER with all that the role(s)entails.  When you focus on playing your role 100%, you must trust that God will use that man or woman to play her roles towards you.  This way, everyone gets 100% attention from the other.  This is the thrill of a purpose-driven marriage.  You too can attain that height.

Marriage Isn’t An Achievement… Its a Requirement for Success

In the beginning, when God created the institution of marriage, he meant it to be a good thing for both the man and the wife; a means to the principal thing for which they were created. Marriage was meant to be a tonic to the life of the man and the woman. When man was created, he wasn’t incomplete; man was whole and packaged for success already. When God was to create Eve for Adam, the purpose of marriage was made clear.
african-american-married-couple

“And the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him”. Genesis 2:18. The purpose of marriage is for man in the first instance to have help. HELP for the purpose of man’s creation. It also means that a man who refuses to marry would have to work alone. The implication of this purpose for marriage is the fact that if God had not contemplated marriage, he would not have created Eve. “… it is not good for man to be alone.” Eve was created because of Adam. This is very important for the female gender. For her to fulfill divine purpose on the earth, she should be of HELP to the man.

There are a lot of ladies who run around today insisting that they must be independent and must not be married; such ladies have got God’s purpose for their creation wrong. If you want to be independent, you must be ready to be without the cover of God because the primary reason for your creation is for you to find your expression in the life of the man for whom you were created. This may sound subjective but following the law of first mention in the interpretation of scriptures, it is totally in line with the purpose of God.
marriage-requirement
While we must never think that marriage is an end in itself as it were, we must never forget that it was meant to be a platform for better living. A marriage founded on the right footing will cause mankind to fulfill divine purpose better as clearly stated in Genesis 1:28:

“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

True success for every living person and for mankind is to be FRUITFUL (in every good works), to multiply that fruitfulness, replenish the earth (make the world better through creativity and innovation), to subdue the earth (to bring creation under the subjugation of man’s rule) and to have dominion over every creature. This is the whole duty, purpose and reason for man being alive. Marriage is to be so good that it has capacity through the couple’s understanding of their roles and practice that they are fruitful, multiply, replenish the earth, subdue it and have dominion over it.

Until we understand that marriage is meant to be for this purpose; the man knowing that he’s got a job to do as explained in the above scriptures and the woman understanding that she comes as a package of help for this reason, we will continue grapple with straws as we drown in the seas as far as the subject of marriage and its purpose is concerned.

And the lady was beaten to death… In Marriage

The news broke in Nigeria a few days ago of a man who is now at large after beating his wife to the point she breathed her last.  This is not the first time an act of domestic violence has led to the death of one of the partners in a marriage; however, it is happening at a time Nigerian’s awareness about certain issues have become very high in view of the power of the social media.  In the past, news of this kind of incidents remain restricted to the immediate environments in which they happens.  Sometimes, the residents of the particular city where the death occurred might not even get any idea of it.

Violence against women

It is totally unspeakable and very despicable that a man would beat his own wife to death.  To the sane mind, it is unacceptable and almost unforgivable.  To the mind given to traditional concept of marriage in Africa, which consigns the wife to a near slave, the woman’s attitude might have been responsible for the man’s loss of temper resulting in the “accidental” death of the woman.  Let this be clear, no death occurring as a result of domestic violence is an accident.  It is never an accident for someone to get angry to the point of picking an object or using his fist to aim at a woman, no matter the amount of provocation.  It is animal and devilish; it is wicked and unmanly; it is stupidity and ungentlemanly to raise your hands on a woman, much less your wife!

It is true the focus has been on the fact that women are always the victims of domestic violence.  This is so because the man has always been stronger physically.  Women have been recorded in the past to have abused men, but the statistics shows men dominate in this demonic field of violence in the home.

THE SIGNS ARE ALWAYS THERE FROM THE START

The man who would become violent will always show signs of this evil from the beginning of a relationship.  Women must always watch out for the red-flags.  It is sad that in the midst of the craze to get married “at all costs” and “by all means”, ladies have continued to go ahead to marry beasts who call themselves “men”.  When a man exhibits acts of impatience and lack of respect for you as a lady, you should know that it is a sign of a red-flag.  If a man out of provocation or anger screams on a consistent basis at someone he calls his wife-to-be, the lady should know that danger lurks.

It becomes more dangerous if in the course of the relationship, during dating or courtship, he raises a hand on you as lady and actually slaps you; for me, you should discontinue the journey towards matrimony no matter how much you “love” this man.  A man with such tendencies needs a total character and attitude overhaul and “love” cannot help him.  He needs to be more sober by knowing that he has crossed his line of sanity towards the road to marriage and therefore must loss the “love” of the betrothed!

VICTIMS MUST SPEAK OUT!

Victims of domestic violence must learn to speak out loud and clear.  The days of protecting the predator or the abuser is gone for good.  It is better to speak now and quit the relationship or even the marriage (in extreme cases) than to end up dead.  There is no trophies to be won in death resulting from domestic violence as a victim.  It almost amounts to suicide which in itself is a sin.  Don’t say you will remain in the marriage because of your children; they will do just fine without a man who “educates” them that violence against women is allowed in this life; especially the male children who would most likely grow up to become trained abusers themselves!  I know you are religious and hates divorce just like God does, and would prefer to pray for the man so he can change.  That is noble and good but if I were you, I would be praying from a distance while the man learns his lessons with law enforcement agents after he must have been charged for battery!

Let everyone who has ears for wisdom take note.  I say NO to DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.